And That Is Why Jane Shouldn't Be Promoted
by ShesNotTrappedInWonderland
Summary: Marcus explains why Jane just should not be promoted.


" I've been considering promoting our dear Jane to a higher position in the guard..."

Caius growled as his "brother" wore a thoughtful look.

" Is everything alright, my brother?"

" Why would you promote a mere child to OUR ranks? She's no more than a liability."

Felix snickered and whispered to Demetri.

" He's just jealous Jane has a special ability."

" I HEARD THAT YOU INSOLENT TOAD FROM THE FESTERING DEPTHS OF MY INNER HELL!"

"......Aro! I think Caius needs his angry bag again!"

" Now now, there is no need for fighting...or Caius's..angry bag. I see no issue in our beloved little Jane joining us."

Marcus yawned slightly, as if it was really necessary. Then, he stood up and pulled out a large drawing pad.

" Oooh, how very interesting? How did you do that, Marcus?"

Marcus gave Aro a tired look.

" The easter bunny sent it."

Aro seemed to jump a little with glee. Felix just shook his head. Marcus began to draw, quite elegantly I might add, the scenario of Jane's promotion. He also did the narration and voices of the characters.

* * *

Jane ran up to Caius and giggled.

" I just got promoted! That means I'M eviler than YOU!"

Caius growled a little.

" I think not, you insolent little pest of the lowest recesses of H-"

" Please do watch your language, Caius!"

Caius huffed as Aro chided him.

" I say that I am more evil than you hope to ever be, child!"

Aro put his hands together in his usual thinking position.

" How very interesting.....I do say, I think this calls for a little competition. Marcus, would you do the honors of being the judge? Now! For the Volturi's first ever " I Am Eviler Than You" Duel! How interesting!"

Marcus walked over with a scoreboard and pointed lazily to Caius.

" You first."

Caius smirked evilly and laughed manically while thunder and lighting cracked. Aro clapped.

" Well done, brother! Well done indeed! How on earth were you able to do that!? Interesting!"

Jane glared at Caius. Caius glared back. Marcus raised his left hand.

" First point to the P.M.S."

Caius screamed.

" PMS!?"

Marcus drew out the name on his board.

Perpetually

Mad

Sadist

Caius growled as Marcus erased the name and signaled Caius to go again while Aro did his weird little laugh thing.

" You know that taste you get in your mouth when you drink A positive and brush your teeth?"

Jane made a blehh noise.

" Nasty!"

" I LOVE IT!"

Everyone gasped.

" Why the hell does he brush his teeth?" asked Demetri.

"....Because your face is ugly!" Remarked Caius.

" Oh yeah. Somebody's mature."

Caius ignored Demetri's statement and continued.

" Do you like puppies?"

" Oooh! Yes! They're so cute and cuddly..."

" I KICK THEM! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

Jane whimpered and everyone clapped.

" And you know that human I gave you to drink from yesterday?"

"...Yes..."

" I LET EDWARD CULLEN DRINK FROM IT FIRST!"

Jane screamed and everyone gagged.

THE END

* * *

" And that, my brothers..and sisters, is why Jane should not be promoted. Lest we all forget what happened when Athenodora was demoted and replaced by Heidi."

Everyone shivered at the thought. Caius's mate was scary, but she wasn't nearly as scary as the evil overlord of all that was unpleasant and desolate.

Marcus cleared his throat and put away the drawing pad and sat back down. Caius went into his usual perpetual state of angryness, self-loathing, and possible male PMS, and Aro just randomly walked around calling things interesting, as per usual.

* * *

" And THAT is why I think that we shouldn't even consider promoting Jane."

Everyone stared in disbelief at Aro.

" Wow..."

" Where'd you get the drawing pad?"

" Marcus gave it to me!"

Aro then decided to draw pretty butterflies and bunnies all over it.

* * *

"And THAT is what would happen if Aro suggested that we don't consider suggesting that Jane be promoted to the higher ranks of the Volturi."

Everyone clapped as Marcus sat back down. Yeah. Sometimes the work of a lazy genius was hard. But it sure could be entertaining.


End file.
